Day 2
Today was an even harder day. I woke up 45 minutes before my hair appointment which meant I either had time to do makeup or to make food and eat it. Of course I chose makeup- getting my hair done I always feel so ugly so I try so hard to make myself feel as confident as possible before having to stare at myself with my hair in the process of being bleached, wild and all over the place. And really, just looking at myself in bright lighting for 3 hours straight always leads to me feeling like the ugliest slug in the world.
I made the mistake of asking for coffee while I sat there as well, and ended up with the worst anxiety and jitters I've had in such a long while. 3 hours, no food, and a newly bleached head later I was grump as fuck.
Michiel needed tiger balm and peanuts so I ran to the grocery store beforehand; I had this idea that while there I'd magically find the best snacks for a vegan carb-free and sugar-free diet but obviously I had no luck. I messaged Michiel to have food ready for me when I got back since I was likely to murder someone if I didn't have food immediately. Of course I hit every red on the way back, but I tore into my newly purchased raw pumpkin seeds and ate nearly half the bag on the way back.
My lovely Michiel had a spinach, mushroom, and mozzarella omelette with half an avocado ready for me when I got back. I had that, a coconut milk matcha drink I made to try to satisfy my sweets craving... then a cheese stick... and leftover cauliflower grits with mushrooms and a dollop of cream cheese on top. I was very verryy hungry.
My stomach, of course, immediately began to get insanely upset. So later I ate 2 and a half more cheese sticks... and a shit ton of peanuts. I am now 95% positive I'm lactose intolerant. My stomach has not been this bloated since the cheese loaded lasagna Michiel and I made weeks ago. Starting to see pattern here...
The cravings for sugars and carbs got so bad today that I broke down and pulled Michiel into bed with me to hold me while I cried. We talked about why I was so upset- the insane cravings, the lack of food available to me, the fear surrounding my workouts, the intermediate period I was in not having a job, and the lack of knowledge of what I even wanted to do. I cried and cried until we finally decided to get up and make tofu fries together and start distracting me. Just before I went out to join him making the fries however I went to the bathroom, where it dawned on me that I'd been spotting all of today.
So maybe my situation wasn't quite as depressing as I thought it was and it was more due to PMS...
Once I realized that, today got a little bit better. We played a new game together and cooked together. I responded to the daily challenges that had been building up since last night for my D3 6 Week Challenge facebook group. It involved responding to questions about what I saw when I looked at myself in the mirror for two minutes straight and who I am. Here they are:
I meant to take a pinterest worthy photo to show the beauty of my creation but my hunger and laziness resulted in that. It was tasty enough at least.
I am so anxious about tomorrows workout but Michiel and I are going back to our room to read from a new book together and hopefully that will calm my nerves a bit. Tomorrow he's going to make me a soft boiled egg and half an avocado for breakfast! God, I chose the right man!
I made the mistake of asking for coffee while I sat there as well, and ended up with the worst anxiety and jitters I've had in such a long while. 3 hours, no food, and a newly bleached head later I was grump as fuck.
Michiel needed tiger balm and peanuts so I ran to the grocery store beforehand; I had this idea that while there I'd magically find the best snacks for a vegan carb-free and sugar-free diet but obviously I had no luck. I messaged Michiel to have food ready for me when I got back since I was likely to murder someone if I didn't have food immediately. Of course I hit every red on the way back, but I tore into my newly purchased raw pumpkin seeds and ate nearly half the bag on the way back.
My lovely Michiel had a spinach, mushroom, and mozzarella omelette with half an avocado ready for me when I got back. I had that, a coconut milk matcha drink I made to try to satisfy my sweets craving... then a cheese stick... and leftover cauliflower grits with mushrooms and a dollop of cream cheese on top. I was very verryy hungry.
My stomach, of course, immediately began to get insanely upset. So later I ate 2 and a half more cheese sticks... and a shit ton of peanuts. I am now 95% positive I'm lactose intolerant. My stomach has not been this bloated since the cheese loaded lasagna Michiel and I made weeks ago. Starting to see pattern here...
The cravings for sugars and carbs got so bad today that I broke down and pulled Michiel into bed with me to hold me while I cried. We talked about why I was so upset- the insane cravings, the lack of food available to me, the fear surrounding my workouts, the intermediate period I was in not having a job, and the lack of knowledge of what I even wanted to do. I cried and cried until we finally decided to get up and make tofu fries together and start distracting me. Just before I went out to join him making the fries however I went to the bathroom, where it dawned on me that I'd been spotting all of today.
So maybe my situation wasn't quite as depressing as I thought it was and it was more due to PMS...
Once I realized that, today got a little bit better. We played a new game together and cooked together. I responded to the daily challenges that had been building up since last night for my D3 6 Week Challenge facebook group. It involved responding to questions about what I saw when I looked at myself in the mirror for two minutes straight and who I am. Here they are:
Day 1
- What do you see: I see a new graduate who is still carrying the stress of the last year of classes and long distance and switching up medication in my body- as visible in the soften edges and plethora of stretch marks that didn’t used to be there. I see a belly that is insanely bloated from the cheese I had today (definitely think I’m lactose intolerant), and the dimples in my skin where there didn’t used to be dimples. But I also see an epic new tattoo that didn’t used to be there and curves that didn’t used to be there (which is both bad and good!).
- What do you want to change: I want to take those soft edges away, where they were before- the softness in my chin and face, the roundness of my belly, and added weight in the thighs, the little bit of weight I gained in my arms and the added weight in the hips.
- What do you want to keep: I’d like to keep the new found butt that I never had before xD but tone it, along with the rest of me. Aside from that, while I love the base of everything I have, I’d like to take away that softness all around.
Day 2
- Who are you: I am someone who is trying to figure out who I am. I’ve just graduated, I’ve been switching up medications for the last year and want to finally be off of them. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety. I’m trying to find a job and stuck living at home until my boyfriend gets citizenship in the U.S. so he can find a job so we can both afford rent in Seattle. I’m in a state of in between right now in almost every area of my life and am struggling to figure out what I want and who I am.
- Why are you here (part of the D3 challenge): I have tried and tried again to workout in various ways over the last year but none of them worked and none included a diet plan. With exercising, its difficult for me to maintain the workout plan unless I’m held accountable. It’s so easy to make excuses otherwise. With nutrition, the last year, amongst many other things, I’ve struggled with eating. If I don’t see results immediately it’s easy for me to give up or go to hard. Through this I’m able to again, be held accountable in both senses- am I eating unhealthily / too much? but also am I eating enough?
- Where are you now (in this challenge): It’s been hard with the diet trying to find calorie heavy foods that I can either snack on or have for a meal while being vegetarian, and apparently, lactose intolerant. Yesterday I unintentionally only ate 800 calories but today I got up to around 1100. My mom, boyfriend, and myself are trying hard to find alternatives and make sure I get enough protein but its been a bit of a struggle. Today I found myself absolutely craving everything sugar and carb filled. Additionally I’m already feeling the anxiety of tomorrow’s workout. I didn’t expect it to feel this hard by day 2 but I have such a community of support in my home, with my friends, and here reading the stories and suggestions of everyone else. Hopefully once I get in the swing of things, with the knowledge of a good number of meals I can make, and snacks I can eat then it’ll get easier!
I also had to post what I ate for my meals today:
Homemade tofu fries, peanut sauce, and a salad of baby spring greens, radishes, red peppers and olive oil and vinegar.
I am so anxious about tomorrows workout but Michiel and I are going back to our room to read from a new book together and hopefully that will calm my nerves a bit. Tomorrow he's going to make me a soft boiled egg and half an avocado for breakfast! God, I chose the right man!
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